We might all put our pants on the same way, but the type of lower layer we wear makes us all unique flowers. Sometimes they can even say something about who we are. Suit pants might mean you’re a high achiever with a great view out your C-suite window; corduroys narrow down your occupational possibilities to a.) college English professor or b.) college philosophy professor.
After multiple campfire-side chats, we’ve concluded that the pants you reach for when heading outdoors might be the ultimate window into your psyche. Read on for our (not-at-all scientific) hypotheses about what your hiking pants say about your human nature. (And when you’re done, you can learn what your tent says about your personality, too.)
Traditional Hiking Pants
Wearing a pair of standard straight-leggers that are durable with a touch of stretch and just enough pockets? You’re a simple outdoors-lover, one who hears Mother Nature calling each sunny Saturday morning and answers her summons without fail. Out on the trail, you always regale your (captive) audience with all the sweet intel the guidebooks left out and never fail to quip to passing hikers how in-tents camping was last night. Of course, you also wear those same hiking pants on Tuesdays, Thursdays and sometimes Fridays because you’re dreaming about the path you’ll follow on the weekend—and you’re really hoping someone at the office will ask you about it.
Yoga Pants
Your spirit is uninhibited, and so are your pants. Flexibility (and organic açaí bowls with dragon fruit and chia seed toppers) is what makes your heart chakra hum. Since the urge to downward dog or salute the sun might strike your soul at any moment, you’re always ready with pants stretchy enough to heed your need to forward fold. Your friends love hiking in your wake, simply reveling in your adventurous, glowing aura (and your trailing patchouli scent is a surprisingly effective mosquito repellent).
Joggers
If you slip on a pair of these fashionable sweatpants and do a couple quick hamstring stretches, everybody knows you’re getting ready for 3 slow miles on the nearest paved path. No? Oh, well then obviously you’re warming up for a short hike up the local quad-buster with equally casual-cool friends. Wrong again? Hmm. You just finished a Netflix binge and finally rousted yourself from the couch to return feeling to your nearly numb derriere? Wrong again? OK, fine. We give up. Those versatile bottoms, and the person who’s wearing them, clearly thrive in any outdoor or air-conditioned situation. Hats off.
Cargo Pants
Your motto hasn’t changed since you were earning merit badges proving your ability to “be prepared.” That’s why you keep all 83 visible pockets—and an undisclosed number of secret ones—filled with trail must-haves, nice-to-haves and why-not-haves. As the Mary Poppins of the trail, you’re always ready to lend out your spare spare layer, and when the spoonful of sugar you keep on hand isn’t enough to fend off the hangries, you pass around the massive GORP bag that only makes your bottoms sag a tiny bit. Navigation tools, biodegradable toilet paper: You’re always ready with No. 1 and ready for No. 2. You thrive in adverse conditions and have gotten more than one friend through a worst-case scenario. That’s why nobody minds when it takes you a half-hour to remember which pocket holds your car keys.
Convertible Pants
Wearing full-length bottoms that transform into shorts with the tug of a zipper doesn’t mean you have commitment issues. I mean, not really. Maybe you just want to keep your options open. Sometimes you leave the house with pants and an hour later you find yourself wishing you’d let the gams breathe. Heck, everybody dislikes that kind of discomfort. Plus, you value versatility. Why buy one pant when you can have two or three? (Didn’t forget about you, capris!) Indecisive? No! Well, maybe a little bit. But not really.
Roll-Up Pants
You mastered the forward roll at an early age. Eye-rolling and rollerblading too. Everyone knows your favorite music genre, and no one was surprised when you made honor roll. The thing they can’t explain: why your ankles are so sensitive to changes in temperature. Other hikers might snicker if they notice your socks don’t match, but pay them no mind. You’re on a roll.
Hard Shell Rain Pants
Just like John Fogerty, you’ve seen the rain. Not that you’re only happy when it rains—that’s Garbage. But now that you have the right set of water-ready bottoms, raindrops that keep falling on your head are a nonissue. Sure, you “swoosh” with each step, but unlike some people, you don’t blame it on the rain—it’s just the polyester fabric and nonfluorinated durable water repellent (DWR) finish. When others whine, “Here comes the rain again,” you’re nonplussed. Well, unless it’s raining men. Then, you’ll text your friend Rihanna to see if you can borrow her umbrella.
Jeans
Your packing list for a two-night camping trip is five pages long, and you’ve been known to plan vacations down to 5-minute increments, but it’s not that you’re a control freak—you just like order and systems and sequences and redundancy. Structure makes your world go ‘round, and you expect it not just in your day but also in your pants. This is precisely why denim, with its bit of rigidity and enhanced durability, has a hold over your hindquarters. (And you’re prepared for any point-counterpoint discussion about whether you can—or should—hike in jeans.)
Hiking Shorts
It’s hot outside, and you just can’t handle it—though you have enough self-control to refrain from taking off all your clothes. You’ve just removed your pants’ lower half. Then again, you’re probably also the person wearing shorts in sub-zero temps because you insist that a leg hair icicle or two never hurt anybody. Favorite movie? Duh. Get Shorty.
Skort
You’re flirty and fun, yet practical and goal oriented. And while you fully support the ventilation benefits of a kilt (and secretly wish you had continued past the second bagpipe lesson), you learned the hard way to prioritize a skort’s fuller coverage after leaf-peeping on that one gusty fall afternoon turned into a different kind of peep show.